Your productivity does not define your worth

This topic is near and dear to my heart. If you are familiar with human design one of my only other open centers is my head. You guys, the amount of pressure inside of my head around conditioned beliefs- specifically around productivity in society has been exceptionally crucial for me to overcome in this healing journey. Healing this area- it is not something that was a one and done, it took me years to recondition my mind to believe that I was worthy even if I wasn’t being “productive.” The conditioning around needing to be productive all the time hindered me from completing, well most things. The judgement of my own mind confined me to the believe that 1) Anything I created had to look/be perfect, 2) Anything I said had to appeal to every type of person (an impossible task), and 3) Whatever I did it had to be successful. GUYS… NOOOO! My poor mind! Imagine those conditioning being some of my core beliefs… No wonder I never wanted to put anything out there! The idea of even being productive when I was stuck in hyper analysis on everything I was doing. It took me 4 years to finally consistently show up online. 4 years to feel “worthy” to share my voice… authentically.

You are probably thinking that this was supposed to be a blog entirely centered around being productive- it is… and it isnt. Productivity is not the ultimate goal- increasing our capacity to be able to show up and create from an authentic place- that I think is a bit better. I mean it like this… being productive is good yes, but what is it that you are producing? Are you sharing from a space of non-judgement and authenticity? You can ask yourself these things.. I know for me I wasn’t. I kid you not I would post and re-post my instagram stories and posts like 20x over to “perfect” them- breaking news perfection doesn’t exist in an imperfect world- we are not meant to be machines generating just to generate. In a space of self judgement I could not attune myself to my authenticity because I was basing a lot of my ideas posts and things off of the representation of what other people were creating… or just blatantly judging myself for not doing ti like them, when in turn we are not supposed to be. Something I learned is that we all have gifts that come naturally to our souls, that we are meant to share here just as we are, sure we can gain and gather inspiration from other creative pursuits but to think I could just copy paste… it would never work.

Almost every time I would show up online it would come with a self deprcating self judgement- we are talking less than a year ago. So for four years of being in an online space I was judging and comparing myself- it was time to change the narrative- to show up exactly as I was and let go of the need for judgement.

Something interesting happens when you stop judging yourself… for me I actually started to wonder if others were judging me! The converse of the shadow had to come out, and then it was validation, and ultimately worthiness. Once all these patterns started to clear and clean themselves I began to feel more excited to share and post, to show up for myself and post what makes me happy. The producitity naturally came, when we post in zero point from non-judgement and excitement, gratitude for what we want to share in the world, you will be amazed at how many things start to align in place. The people who are meant to find you will find you, your confidence will build, all because you are showing up just as you are. This take time and every single persons timeline is different. I see its based more so on how well we can confront and face our shadows rather than fighting against them… I dont want to be a blame it on the astrology girlie but I def know my strong fixed placements had something to do with it LOL.

With that said, I enourage you to just show up, exactly as you are now, that process alone will open you to the areas that are holding you back. Pretty much social media is like… yeah it is a mirror. All you have staring back at you is yourself, no wonder so many people are addicted to social media and depressed… more on that later.

Again just show up, and if you all ready are KEEP GOING it gets better and easier I promise.

And remember YOUR PRODUCTIVITY DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR WORTH, your productivity is simply a way for you to understand how to increase your capacity and where you may be holding yourself back.

AND you are still worthy just as you are right now and have always been, you got this.

On depression and anxiety

Depression and Anxiety were a familiar “friend” for a very long time. We are talking since the age of seven. But the point of this post is not to share my entire story of the struggles with anxiety and depression (more to come on this) but more so to just share with you small pieces of my story. One thing about anxiety is depression is the way that it can make you feel so isolated from the world around you. My anxiety would tell me lies like “they don’t even like you” or my depression would say something like “we are better off alone” WHAT BS. But at the time my mind really believed that those words were true. It has taken me years to get to a point where I could actually identify a voice that wasn’t my soul speaking but rather an overworked stressed out brain. Ah yes. The brain we love you so much, but DAMN DOG why you gotta be so protective. This is another thing I learned that helped me feel slightly not as crazy. My brain was trying to protect me from feeling any “negative” emotions.

For a long time I fed into this notion that anxiety depression were wrong and I was a bad person for feeling so bad… blah blah blah. It was utter nonsense- what was actually going on was that I was SO disconnected, disoriented, from suppressing SO many emotions over SO many years, that my brain and body stored so much of my feelings that it was like I was just walking around with the weight from all past experiences. I wasnt a bad person for feeling- I wasnt bad at all. The truth was I wasnt giving myself permission to just feel the shit. All of it, because when we feel our shit we can actually shift.

There is a saying that depression is anger turned inwards (true for me at least) and I feel like anxiety is really just another piece of the depression loop. When we are depressed if we don’t have enough energy to feel our emotions than all that is left over is the energy in motion, and this can kick up anxious feelings, and then overthinking, and the loop continues. This was true for me.

I kid you not when I finally began to let myself feel- like REALLY feel, there was a lot of anger that came through. I had never been an angry person, well because I kept everything inside and let me tell you, it was FUN. You’re probably wondering why I say fun… well for a woman who didn’t fully feel or express her emotions for like almost 20 years… feeling without an underlying tone of depression felt SO freeing! Don’t worry I didn’t do anything out of anger to anyone, BUT I did scream into pillows, or jump up and down, dance my butt off, swear and scream at the sky.

The ability to just express, to let my emotions run out of me through my energy was cathartic every single time. Still to this day I love to healthily express my sacred rage.

Have you ever seen that scale that ranges from low vibe to high vibe emotions? I want you to burn it down. Say it with me, EVERY EMOTION IS IMPORTANT. WHY? Because our emotions are a marker, a signal from our body that something is going right or not. Our emotions are our intuition speaking to us. If our emotions are connected to our intuition- then they are one of the keys to developing more trust with ourselves. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? NOT ME.

Being able to feel is a gift, and each and every emotion that we feel is a connection back home to ourself, helping us to ride the waves of life, connect to our intution, show up with more empathy for ourselves and others, and make room and guide us back into our JOY.